My Birth Story (First Time Mom)

When I was pregnant this past year, I really didn't post about it other than very surface-level things or really vague things.  But I really like talking about my birth experience because it's such an interesting thing to have gone through.  The best part is, I wouldn't change a thing other than the fact that I gave birth in the middle of a global pandemic.  So, here is what that experience was like.

The week of my due date was a very emotionally-charged one, understandably.  Prior to this week, I had talked with my doctor about the possibility of inducing the Monday after my due date, if I hadn't spontaneously gone into labor before then (that's what it's called-- kind of a scary term!).  In order for her to deliver my baby though, she decided to schedule me for the Friday night before so that she'd be there that Saturday, which I was happy with.  So either way, I knew that this week was the last week I would be pregnant this time around.  Either this baby would decide to come out or he'd come out on my terms, essentially.  I was nervous about the fact that I was about to eject a new human from my body and I was nervous about things potentially going wrong and I was nervous about getting an IV.  But even with this amount of worrying, I wasn't prepared for how things would go down.

I went to my last doctor's appointment that Monday.  The last month that you're pregnant, you go into the clinic every week, so this wasn't a new experience for me.  I was 39 weeks and some days.  One thing you should know is that for the last month or slightly less, when the nurse would take my blood pressure reading, my result would always be high and they would have to take a new reading when I was in an exam room.  Usually, this has worked out fine, but this time, my blood pressure didn't change when I was taken back to a room.  That did not sit well with my doctor.  She diagnosed me with gestational hypertension-- in plain English: high blood pressure caused by pregnancy.  The only way to cure it is to give birth and not be pregnant anymore.

I can't tell you how fast my heart leaped into my mouth when I heard the words, "I'm sending you to labor and delivery today."  I had gotten very comfortable with the idea of heading to the hospital on Friday and in my brain, my baby was definitely going to arrive on either Friday or Saturday.  I was very much not ready to get this show on the road.  Except, physically, I was.  It turns out I had been in early labor all weekend (they felt like mild period cramps, nothing unmanageable, they were 10-12 minutes apart) and I was already 3cm.  Things were already moving and this baby was ready to come out soon.

The doctor sent me home to finish last-minute packing and get my partner and asked me to call the clinic and let them know when I would come in.  Even though the situation had been elevated (not emergency levels, but urgent), it was not indicated that I needed to hurry which is interesting to me.  We checked into the hospital at noon after we had called our families in excited panic, tossed more things in our suitcase, and passed off our keys so that someone could come and feed our cats while we were away. 

Since I had been in early labor for a while, I had done a lot of the slow work of initial dilating already.  Yay :)  I got my IV (got sick despite my breathing exercises and my effort to not freak out about it... the nurses were so sweet and understanding despite my drama) and got started on Pitocin and fluids.  If you don't know, Pitocin is a synthetic form of oxytocin which helps your uterus contract and ultimately push a baby out.  They start you on a low dose and raise the amount after seeing how your body responds.  It took many hours to get to the point where I could no longer talk through my contractions.  So for a while, it felt weird to be in the hospital because I wasn't in tremendous amounts of pain yet.  I could eat snacks if I wanted to and enjoyed HGTV since it's nice to watch but doesn't necessarily require a lot of attention.

To address the global pandemic a little bit, the only things that were different from a typical hospital visit was that I was tested for COVID-19 fairly early on (it came back negative a few hours later), my partner had to have temperature checks every 8 hours, we had to wear masks when there were doctors and nurses in the room (although once I tested negative, admittedly I became very lax about wearing a mask).  The nurses wore masks all the time and the doctors had a face shield as well as a mask.  I could only have one support person with me.  So if I wanted to hire a doula, they could not physically be with us.  If I wanted my mom or my sister to be in the room, I would have to make a choice between them and my partner.  Obviously, my partner won out :)  We also could not have any visitors, even when we moved to the postpartum room.  To me, it was very manageable. 

 Once it got dark outside, that's when my contractions needed more focus.  I was happy that what I had learned in birth class was coming in handy and that it was working.  I could bounce on a ball, lean on a table, use my partner and take long, deep breaths and make a low guttural sound until my contraction was over.  The low sounds were great-- I think it helped serve as a distraction and it was kind of grounding too.  Don't be afraid of what sounds come out of you while you're in labor.  No one will judge you for it.  At this point, the only medication I had was Pitocin, but nothing for pain.  I couldn't talk through my contractions anymore, really, but they were still manageable.

Fast forward to ten hours into labor and I feel like I'm losing my grip.  I have no idea if it's true that Pitocin makes contractions more intense or not, but these contractions were intense and breathing and moaning weren't really cutting it on their own.  My hope was that I could go through labor without the help of pain meds.  I had made it quite a while, which I was really proud of.  I tried a type of IV pain meds that worked for an hour, but then around 11pm or midnight, I asked for an epidural.  I initially didn't want one because the idea of it really freaked me out and I didn't like that there was no going back once I got one (not until I had gotten this baby out of me anyway).  But at that point, I was tired but couldn't sleep and I felt like I was losing my grip and struggling my way through these contractions.  I knew that I was at the point where contractions came quite fast, but they were lasting 60-70 seconds with 30 seconds or less of a break in between, which I don't think is typical.  It was a lot to handle.  So I got an epidural.  It honestly wasn't bad-- I only jumped when I felt the initial poke, but then I didn't feel anything else.  Literally.  It didn't take long for me to go numb from the waist down like an epidural is supposed to do.  It was really trippy when the nurse who was helping me checked the paper tracking my contractions, asked if I felt that last contraction and I wasn't even aware that I was having one.  Bliss.

I was able to get a good night's sleep after that.  I thought that I'd be woken up a lot since I was in the hospital, but they were actually really good, I thought, about working with the periods when I woke up in the middle of the night.  They would come in and check my progress and they broke my water in the middle of the night too to help things move along.

My doctor checked me in the morning around 8:30 or so while I was trying to ignore the screams of another woman giving birth in a different room and I was fully effaced and 10cm dilated!  But my baby was still fairly high up, so she decided to give it another hour and see if he came down more on his own. 

9:30 rolls around and everything is in place for me to start pushing.  One thing that surprised me a little bit was how calm everything felt in the room.  I thought that the fact that I was about to push a human out would have caused more of a stir in my particular room, especially with the people who were actively supporting me.  I've definitely been watching too many birth episodes of TV shows where there's a lot of rushing around and yelling.  My room was quite zen by comparison, which was great-- yelling would have made things terrible. 

In total, I pushed for about three hours.  Since I couldn't feel my uterus contracting due to the epidural, the nurse taught me how to recognize a contraction by feeling my belly with my hand, so I was able to make the call for when it was time to push.  My partner helped me by counting to ten each time I pushed.  It sounds silly and like I'm just giving them a job for the sake of feeling helpful, but it was actually so good to have something to focus on and to be able to quantify how long I needed to push at a given moment.  It was the mentality of, "I can get through 10 seconds of anything."  It truly didn't feel like I had been pushing for three hours by the time I was done.  I was genuinely surprised to hear what time it was.  I was able to reach down and feel my baby's head before he came out and my partner, Alex, was able to see what was happening, which was awesome. 

Seeing my baby live and in person for the first time was indescribable.  He was here and he was mine.  He was put on my chest and we got to stay there and cuddle for maybe an hour or so.  The doctors and nurses stitched me up (light second-degree tearing, is what I was told.  This is fairly normal).  Admittedly, it took quite a while for me to recognize that this whole situation was real.  But my baby-- my Klaus-- had made his safe arrival into the world.  I'm now two months into parenthood and... wow.  What an incredible feeling.  This kid is pretty great and I feel really lucky that I get to know him and get to help him become a strong, wise, and kind individual if I possibly can.


Thanks for Reading!

--Jude

Preparing for the Reading Rush! (2020)

It's Reading Rush season!  That means that from July 20-26, I will be attempting to read as many books as possible.  There are seven challenges, all of which are optional, but that I have picked books for in an attempt to accomplish these challenges since that just makes things more exciting.

A quick caveat though-- I am sort of cheating this year.  This is the first summer that I've had a baby which makes things busier and more exciting.  Because of this, there are a couple books that I have already started that I am hoping to finish.  I'll talk through each book as it applies to a challenge and you'll see which books those are.

My main goal with this challenge was to push myself to read more of the Kindle and Audible books that have just been sitting in their respective accounts.  I think there's only one physical book that I'll be reading from this list.

2020 Challenges:

1. Read a book with a cover that matches your birthstone.

I was born in December, and apparently one of my birthstones is a turquoise.  So I chose "Me and White Supremacy" by Layla F. Saad.  I'm excited about this one because I hear that there are journaling prompts that I can do as I go through this book.

2. Read a book that starts with the word "The."

I thought it would be easy to find a book to fit this prompt, but it's easier said than done, it turns out.  But then I realized that a book I had started already began with "The," so I chose "The Guide for White Women Who Teach Black Boys" by Eddie Moore Jr., Ali Michael, and Marguerite W. Penick-Parks.  I'm really hoping to finish this one since I've begun it already.

3. Read a book that inspired a movie you've already seen.

I'm reading this one out of convenience since I am hoping to offer it to my students as a reading option for one of my units this year.  I saw the movie towards the end of high school, so it's been a while, but I am hoping to reread "Never Let Me Go" by Kazuo Ishiguro.

4. Read the first book you touch.

I tweaked this one a bit and picked a few books that I would be fine with reading and then made a mental decision.  Once I touched this book and took it off the shelf, there's no going back!  The book that I picked is "Hidden Figures" by Margot Lee Shetterly.  This is the only physical book that I will be reading.

5. Read a book completely outside of your house.

This one you could interpret in a couple different ways.  I don't know if I'll actually read this entire thing while sitting outside (although maybe I'll listen to part of it while spending some time in the sun tent I recently received), but if not, a lot of this book seems to take place outside!  I've chosen "Station Eleven" by Emily St. John Mandel for this challenge.  This is also a cheater one for me because I have already started this book.

6. Read a book in a genre you've always wanted to read more of.  

That genre is sci-fi, for me.  The only reason I want to read a little more of this genre is because it's my partner's favorite genre.  We're actually reading a series together now that fits this genre (so yeah, I've already started it).  This is an interesting situation though because we have an anthology copy, meaning it has all three books contained in one.  But I am going to specifically list the first two books in the series so that I'm covered no matter which one I end up finishing for this challenge.  The book series is "Lilith's Brood" by Octavia Butler.  The first book is "Dawn" and at the time I'm writing this, my partner and I are about halfway through (or just under halfway, maybe).

7. Read a book that takes place on a different continent than where you live.

I live in North America, so a different continent is Africa.  Therefore, I am FINALLY picking up Trevor Noah's "Born A Crime."  I'll be listening to the audiobook of it so that I can hear him tell his own story, which I think will be really neat.  I'm probably looking forward to this book the most!

Will I finish all 7 or 8 of these books?  No, I highly doubt that.  Will I spend more concentrated time reading especially during this week?  Yes, definitely.  And that's the point of the Read Rush!  I am really excited to start/continue these books and see how many I can get to the end of in the span of a week!

Thanks for Reading!

--Jude

3 1/2 Years of Bullet Journaling!

I took a look back at my previous posts and realized that 3 1/2 years ago (so, January 2017), I started my first bullet journal!  I got a really cheap lined journal from Target which fell apart after a couple of months (and that might be a generous estimate) because I wanted to make sure that I would stick with this hobby/practice before investing in a more expensive notebook.  Little did I know that I'd stick with this practice for this long!  I love looking back at my old journals to see how they've changed over time, since bullet journal set-ups are meant to change with you and your changing needs.  Here's a look at my 2019 bullet journals!

Usually I use two Leuchtterm 1917 journals over the course of a year (even on years when I'm able to travel and I journal a lot).  My green journal held eight months and lasted me until August 2019 and my wine-colored journal somehow managed to hold nine months in it and lasted me almost halfway through 2020!  My planning style tends to be simplistic.  The way the bullet journal system is supposed to work is that you create weeks and collections as you go, but I don't tend to do that.  I prefer to set up an entire month at a time and I don't really add collections other than monthly memories after my weekly and daily spreads.  It's just easier to handle, especially during the school year when I typically don't have a lot of downtime, even during non-working hours.  During the summer though or when something really big happens in my life, that can change and I do a bit more journaling.

To the right, I have an example of one of the journal spreads I did while on my trip to Utah.  I included pictures that I printed with my HP Sprocket, which has been an incredible tool for me.  I was worried about the cost and if I would use it enough, but I actually print small pictures pretty regularly, so it was worth it!  I just love how my journal pages are really enhanced.  I love returning to these pages long after I have finished the trip in question.  It's a fun aesthetic!

During my travels, I didn't want to totally give up my to-do lists, so I adapted them instead.  I used that space to list what we did that day, rather than writing down a pre-planned list.  But I would also use that space as a traditional to-do list for the most essential things.  For example, on our Utah trip, we spent the night in a few different places.  So the night before, I would make a list of what needed to be done prior to vacating that space.  What needed to be cleaned?  Did I need to remember to pack anything in the morning that couldn't be packed that night?  When were we trying to walk out the door in the first place?  Then I would add in what we did that day next to my to-do list.  It was very helpful to have that.  I also had a page with my packing list.  This packing list was most useful prior to leaving on the trip (any trip, not just this one), but it was also something I could refer back to on the trip if I thought that I might be missing something.  These journals were not the first ones to have packing lists, but rather I carried that over from a slightly earlier one.  It's a nice practice to have when preparing for a trip.

In addition to doing journal spreads when I have more time, I also used the space to draw diagrams to help me plan and also to take notes.  For me, I like to write down what I'm hearing during professional development or anything like that so I can take my time processing that information.  The trouble is, if I put those notes in a loose leaf notebook or on a separate piece of paper, I will never find that paper again until I sit down and go through things.  If I get to that point, the notes aren't useful anymore.  So when I can, I prefer to put them in my bullet journal because that's where every other important piece of written information I need is kept.  It's all in one place and it feels a lot more useful.  Between my last bullet journal post and this one, I have created a couple different floor plans.  The one pictured is how I wanted to set up my classroom for this past school year, but I have also drawn floor plans of my living room because I desperately wanted a change in my apartment.  It was easier to visualize things this way rather than moving furniture a million times and hoping one of those combinations would work.  I haven't really done floor plans in my journals up until now, so this was a cool change.  It's one of the only pages that I keep in pencil rather than going over it in pen.  That way it can be a working document and it can still look relatively neat.

These past couple journals, I have really appreciated that it turned into an artistic expression.  With the printed pictures and stickers, yes, but also with coloring and painting as well.  And washi tape.  So much washi tape...

A lot of the art I created or pulled together found a home on the intro pages for a new month or at the start of the new year or at the start of a new bullet journal.  This is breaking from the original bullet journal method pretty severely, but the artistic aspect is what makes this journal feel more like mine.  

My calendar page is now pulling a lot more weight because it's not just a record of what is coming up in the month, but it's a place to set goals and reflect a tiny bit as well.  I have a space to write down big tasks (or parts of bigger goals), which can help inform what I choose to do in a week, a record of books that I finished reading, and a place to write down things that are getting me excited for the month.  They're things that I find help set me up for a positive start to a month.  I also have a quote to set the tone of the month, although sometimes I fill that in long after the fact.  But it does help the spread feel complete. 

I'm at a point where I feel comfortable with my bullet journaling style, but who knows!  Anything can happen and anything can change.  Especially with not knowing how this coming school year will go, big changes could be on the horizon that I haven't even considered yet.  Eventually (in a year or so), I want to start grad school and that will make an impact on how I plan. 

Thanks for Reading!

--Jude

June 2020 Reads

June was an interesting month for reading.  I read quite a bit of nonfiction and I had even more of an excuse to read more books about race in America.  Everyone in the world did.  Or maybe I should say that we no longer had an excuse to not read more and educate ourselves.  Anyway, these are the books that I finished during the month of June:

• We Want To Do More Than Survive: Abolitionist Teaching and the Pursuit of Educational Freedom by Bettina Love
• Little House in the Big Woods by Laura Ingalls Wilder
• Astrophysics for People in a Hurry by Neil DeGrasse Tyson
• White Fragility: Why It's So Hard for White People To Talk About Racism by Robin DiAngelo
• All-American Muslim Girl by Nadine Jolie Courtney
• Fences by August Wilson

We Want To Do More Than Survive: Abolitionist Teaching and the Pursuit of Educational Freedom

I am really grateful that I read this book as part of a book club.  It really helped me process what I was reading.  We  (meaning some other educators) started reading this in maybe December or January and picked each chapter apart, sometimes for a couple of weeks.  It was a hard read, because it's hard to face the reality that the way the education system is set up is not meant to serve children of color well at all.  And Bettina Love tells you exactly why and demands to know the answer, "Now what are you going to do about it?" while also telling you her own ideas and why they're important to consider.  It's also hard to face facts that even the most well-meaning practices in teaching are harmful and need to be fixed.  When you get past those feelings and accept that challenge that comes with "Now what?" then the real work begins.  I want to talk more about Black joy in my classroom and use more restorative practices and change the narrative of how I and my school have been handling discipline.  Her ideas on education causing soul death were really eye-opening to me.  I can't wait to get started with this work.

White Fragility: Why It's So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism by Robin DiAngelo

This was another eye-opening read for me (or rather, listen, since I listened to the audiobook).  It talked about a number of things that I have experienced as I've gotten into the work of trying to have more of these conversations about race, injustice, and discrimination.  It helped me better understand some of my own responses and those that other people have as well and I think this will help me be better prepared when I do need to sit down and have a conversation with someone or call out a discriminatory thing that someone says or does.  

I have already been able to use a little bit of what I have learned from this book when talking to the director of my school who is working to form an equity group to help better serve our students.  I voiced my concerns about the possibility of people leaving when they are faced with hard conversations and challenges to their thinking.  This is an example of white fragility.  I don't want this to be what sinks us before we've had time to really sink our teeth into some meaningful change.

All-American Muslim Girl by Nadine Jolie Courtney

This was one that I kept checking out from the digital library because I liked the cover a lot, but I never actually listened to it.  But since I'm up quite early to feed the baby and feed him for 40 minutes at a time, I have a lot of time on my hands that I've been using to listen to more audiobooks, since reading hard copy books has proven to be a challenge due to not a lot of energy at night and not enough free hands during the day.  So I finally got around to listening to this one.  I didn't expect to like it as much as I did!  Allie, the main character, is doing a lot of soul-searching and feels this gap where something is missing.  Her immediate family is culturally Muslim on her father's side, her mother converted to Islam, but they don't practice at home.  She hasn't had a chance to explore her religion and even the Arabic language, which many of her extended family speaks as well as a lesser-known language, the name of which escapes me.  In order to feel better connected to her family, she finds these pockets of community who help her navigate her explorations through Islam.  One of my favorite parts of this book is when she stands up to her boyfriend's father who is extremely Islamaphobic and I'd even go so far as to say racist.  Even though he remained hard-headed and discriminatory to the end, I thought that Allie was a bad-ass when she addressed him and corrected him with facts and experience.  I just wish that her boyfriend's father would have listened better and changed, but I recognize that that's not how this usually works.  It's too bad.

Thanks for reading!  I can't wait to see what good reads I come across in July!  

--Jude